Advance copy of Vice President Harris Speech on Middle East Policy

--Satire

Thank you all for coming here today. When I say thank you I mean that I appreciate your being here and when I say here I mean this place in which we are standing or sitting (cackle, cackle).

I would like to take this opportunity to speak about my policy on the Middle East. Soon I will be the Commander in Chief of the United States’ Military so the American people and the rest of the world need to understand our policy with regard to this troubled region and our role therein.

In Israel there are a lot of jews. And when I say jews that is to say people living in the middle east and not the drink, so do not be confused as “jews” is not the same as “juice” even though they sound the same—they are different. Let me be clear about that (cackle ,cackle).

Anyway, some bad men and I say “bad men” they are bad and they are mainly men, who go by the names “Hooties” and some others are called ”Tootsies” are sponsored by Iran and they are trying to kill the jews in Israel—a country filled with jews. ‘Hosebella’ is another such group.

When I say “Iran” that is a country and not a sentence. If I were to say “Iran away” that would be a sentence. But we have to understand that Iran is a place where people live and its capital is Tehran. Note that both places end in “ran.” One is Iran--a country--and the other is a city named Tehran. So we understand, people in Iran have a capital named Tehran--let me be clear on that.

Furthermore, the Iranians--which is what we call people from Iran--finance the Hootsies and the Tootsies and direct them to kill the jews. We do not like this and my message to the Hootsies and the Tootsies and the Iranian ‘Molars’ (who are the religious men who run Iran) is this: “No!” I want to say this loud and clear: “No!” And if necessary, I will repeat that warning again and again just as President Biden did until the ‘Hottsies' and the ‘Tottsies’ quit attacking the Israelis and bombing our troops in Iraq. Iraq is another country that also harbors terrorists. Now when I say “harbor” I mean that they shelter and protect terrorists—not that they provide a harbor for boats and so forth although I suppose Iraq could provide boats and a harbor for them.

If the ‘Hottsies’ and the ‘Tottsies’ sent by the Molars of Iran or the 'Hosebella' or any other terrorist group attacks Israel or our troops, we will protest even more vigorously and we will unleash even more warnings. Let’s be clear about that.

Thank you.

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